I yearn for a cause. I yearn for purpose in this life, a calling. I’ve never been motivated to do anything. I’ve never really had any ambition. I don’t think it’s because I don’t believe in myself, I think it’s just because I’ve never found what it is that I’m passionate about. I have interests, and hobbies, things I like to do. But I’ve never had a thing that I burn for. Maybe most people are in the same boat and have accepted it, and maybe that’s what I need to do as well. Because now it’s been too long a wait for something to fall into my lap, I either need to concede that I won’t ever find it, or I need to go out looking for it.
With no great calamity of the world, or a cause to fight for or against, it’s really up to each his own to find his battle. I need that battle, somewhere. This summer my life will likely change quite drastically, so maybe that will lead me to what I’m looking for but who knows. The lockdown in my country has given me a lot of time to think and reflect on what I want, but I haven’t really gotten any closer to an answer. At some point I feel like too much reflection and too little action is going to drive me insane, I feel like my mind is going in loops at times. Like ideas folding in on themselves in my head.
I think one issue is that I’m too comfortable. I have no worries. I’m not rich, or even well-off for that matter, but I don’t really have to worry about money. I have no real fears in the world, there’s no danger to me or my well-being (other than myself), and I think it’s made me complacant, and I need to get out of my comfort-zone (cliché I know) but I’ve always been a big pussy when it comes to that. Just in general, being vulnerable is something that terrifies me, I don’t know where that fear comes from, but I’ve been like that for as long as I can remember. It’s the kind of fear that makes me dream of letting go of all my possessions and become a nomad, wandering the world and just experiencing everything.
All this introspection is making me crazy. I need distraction. I need purpose.