I’ve learned that you can change your perspective on pretty much anything in life if you just set your mind to it. I’ve also learned that everything that makes me feel sad, depressed or inadequate are my desires. The only reason I feel ‘not good enough’ is because I want more. Is the answer to work harder to get what I want, or to analyze what I want and why I want it, and ultimately, get rid of that desire? Modern western thinking tells us to work harder, but doesn’t it feel dishonest to make choices based on culture and geography?
The more I think about what I want in life, the less I want. The more I think about what I want my future to look like, the simpler that future looks like. I used to crave fame, success, passions, love.
In a way I still do, but the fame I crave would be for something I’m proud of, and to be famous for something I’m proud of I’d have to pursue it with no fame in mind. I love writing, and being recognized as a good writer would be fantastic, but it would feel empty were it for writing I’m not proud of, that I feel represents me, that I feel sends the message I want to the world. I still want success, but that word has changed entirely in meaning for me. It used to mean career, money, adoration. Now it means being content with what I have, being fulfilled by smaller things, more meaningful things, less materialistic things. I still want passion, but my mind has always mixed passion with obsession. I read about or see passionate/obsessed people, artists, athletes, and think ‘I want that passion for something’. And in many ways I do. But are they passionate, or are they blinded by the obsession, does everything else in their life fall by the wayside in pursuit of a singular goal? Is that a life I want to live? Such an unbalanced life?
I still want love, but through my life and my experiences, sex and love have become a convoluted and confusing mess. I don’t think I’ve been in love. It’s said that when you know you know, but what if I was and I just overestimated how love feels? Sex has become a driving factor in mine and many other people’s lives, but for me it’s become entirely detached from emotion, it’s become a display of power, of domination, and I don’t think conflating those with pleasure is healthy.
I’ve been very closed off from people for all of my adolescent life, I have friends and people I’m close with, but (probably due to my childhood) I don’t really open up to anyone. I’ve shared small bits and pieces with my closest friends, but I’ve never really felt seen. The love I want is the one in which we can see eachother, through and through, in which we can explore and understand eachother, support eachother. I want to be open.
If I can change my perspective, change what I want, why would I not want the things I already have?
And pursue that which I find truly meaningful.